Overheard in the Senate Halls:

Mitch McConnell

    

“So when are you going to make an honest man out of Chuck and just marry him?”

Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-Kentucky)

John McCain

- - -

“What in the name of fuck are you talking about, Sen. McConnell?”

Sen. John McCain (R-Arizona)

Chuck Schumer

 - - -

“Wait… I don’t like guys with white hair. And neither does my wife.”

Sen. Chuck Schumer (D-New York)

Mitch McConnell

- - -

“Shut up, Schumer. I’m talking about the fact that you two are in bed together so much, you need to just get married. That’s what people with morals would do.”

Sen. McConnell

  

- - -

John McCain

“Oh, I get it. You are being a wise guy…”

“And that’s a goddam lucky thing, McConnell, because otherwise, I’d be performing an orchotomy! It’s a special procedure I helped develop that is now in use at The Mayo Clinic. It’s done using only two shells from a pistachio nut and a three-ounce paper cup. Listen, you—I’m a goddam decorated POW who doesn’t react well to people who fuck with him. You are a pain-in-the-ass southern dandy with a really whiny voice who lives to fuck with people. We are like fire and flame, and you need to tread lightly around me because I am flat out fucking nuts and I do not like you.”

Sen. McCain

Chuck Schumer

- - -

“He is nuts, Sen. McConnell. And speaking of nuts, I’ve seen the orchotomy with the pistachio shells. It’s quick and painless, but it will change your life. Forever.”

Sen. Schumer

John McCain

- - -

  

“Who gives a damn! He doesn’t use either one of them, so an orchotomy won’t matter to him at all, but it WILL make me feel better about his continued existence on this planet. Chuck and I aren’t 'in bed together,' as you put it, or with the connotation you offered, you miscreant pus bag. What we’re doing is practicing the fine art of compromise, the act of working together, quid pro quo. This great country was not built by a bunch of double-chinned assholes standing around and saying, ‘NO” to everything that was suggested. It was built on people who knew how to compromise! Oh, and slaves. It was built on the backs of slaves, too.”

Sen. McCain

Mitch McConnell

- - -

“Well. I guess you put me in my place. A little bit touchy, ain’t you McCain? Did I suggest something that hit a little too close to home? Do you suffer from latent homosexual tendencies, Sen. McCain? Remnant of all your time as a POW perhaps? All I’m saying is that you boys should try and set a standard for the gay youth of today to follow and get yourselves hitched.”

John McCain

Sen. McConnell

- - -

“Did I not just make myself intrinsically clear about what vile acts would befall you should you fail to keep your mouth shut?”

Sen. McCain

Mitch McConnell

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“All right, all right. I get it. I’ll be going now. But do tell me just one thing: you two are practicing safe sex, right? Because you can get free condoms down at the Senate Pharmacy—we don’t want either of you catching a case of the African Jungle Rot or some such thing.”
Sen. McConnell