Overheard in Vatican City:

Pope Francis I

“Calling Jesus! Calling Jesus! Wow! That was quick!”

Pope Francis I

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Jesus Christ

“For you, Franny, I come right away when you call. What is up. (Like I don’t already know.)”

Jesus Christ, son of God

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Pope Francis I

 “I wanted to make sure you knew I have changed Vatican law to impose stricter penalties for sexual violence, sexual assault, and child sexual assault or pornography! You are always lecturing me about doing something about the children, and now I have. so now, if a priest brings anyone under 18 into Vatican City and has sex with them, BANG, they go to jail for 10 years minimum. And if they make a film of it, BANG, they go to jail for 10 years minimum. So maybe that is 20 years. I am making progress, Jesus, so please don’t take one of my lungs. I am an old man. I need them both!”

Pope Francis I

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Jesus Christ

“Franny, it is a good first step. But the law is only valid here in Vatican City. You did not make it part of the canon law covering the church worldwide. How many child sexual assault cases have you had in Vatican City? Don’t bother answering, I already know the answer—I am Jesus Christ. But you have how many cases of priests sexually assaulting children and teens outside of Vatican City? Don’t bother answering, I know the number—I am Jesus Christ. Verily, verily I say unto you: Do you see the fucking difference you asshole? One number is little and one number is BIG. You need to attack the BIG number before I’m going to be impressed, Franny. So how are you going to do that?”

Jesus Christ

 

Pope Francis I

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“You really are a prick, you know that right, Jesus? I’m telling your mom. We talk a lot, you know.”

Pope Francis I

Jesus Christ

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“Who do you think I learned from, asshole?”

Jesus Christ