Overheard in Vatican City:

Jesus Christ

“Franny, baby. Buebela! Way to go! I am so proud of YOU for defrocking two New Jersey priests for sexual misconduct! That’s what I like to see: ACTION.”

Jesus Christ, son of God

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Pope Francis I

“Thank you, Jesus, but you know I didn’t really have anything to do with those. Richard Mieliwocki was accused of sexual misconduct involving minors in 1994 and was put into ‘treatment’ he never completed, so, he loses his frock. If he had completed the treatment, he would have been cured and we could have placed him someplace else, but he didn’t. After he left the priesthood, he became a social worker. In 2007, he pleaded guilty to sexually assaulting two teenagers and was put on probation. Now the other guy, Horacio Daniel Medina pleaded guilty to two counts of child sexual assault in 2007. So, he loses his frock as well. I just affirmed the action already approved. It was all in a day’s work for a pope, Jesus.”

Pope Francis I

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Jesus Christ

“Not to be a stickler, but you do realize, Franny, that if the church had reported Mieliwocki to the police in the first place, and had a proper investigation been undertaken, he never would have been hired for a job as a social worker, and those two additional boys would not have been sexually assaulted. And Mieliwocki absolutely wouldn’t have received probation in 2007—he would have been sent to jail because of a prior offense. So in a very big way, the church is responsible for those two assaults and the court’s probation verdict.”

Jesus Christ

Pope Francis I

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“What? You crazy man, Jesus! The church didn’t assault those boys! Mieliwocki did. I wasn’t even the pope when all of that happened! Surely you can’t blame me for that!”

Pope Francis I

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Jesus Christ

“Franny … I am neither crazy, nor a man. No, I can’t hold you responsible for things that happened before you became the big cheese, but dammit, I don’t see you reforming policies based on the fuck-ups. That’s what bothers me. You are still not taking me seriously enough. How you can have the second most important deity in the universe—right behind Alanis Morissette—standing in front of you and not take him seriously, I don’t know. What do I have to do to get your attention? Verily, verily I say unto you, get your ass in gear. Now. I am growing impatient. You are actually starting to piss off Jesus Christ. That is a first.”

Jesus Christ