 |
| Barack Obama |
“Chuck,
I am giving you a deadline. You have one year to solve this sexual assault
problem in the military. You need to make it stop.”
President
Barack Obama
- - -
 |
| Chuck Hagel |
“Sure.
Just when I come up with a sure fire way to make it stop, YOU come around
telling me I have a whole year. Thanks, Mr. President. Thanks a lot. I have
been working on this day and night. Fuck you, very much.”
Secretary
of Defense Chuck Hagel
- - -
|
| Barack Obama |
“Look,
Chuck. If you really have a solution, I can take away the deadline and just
call the whole thing fixed. So what is your idea this time?”
President
Obama
- - -
|
| Chuck Hagel |
“Well, we’re
going to convert all of the women in the military into lesbians.”
Secretary
Hagel
- - -
|
| Barack Obama |
“What?
Convert them into lesbians? Chuck, just how in the name of Sweet Jesus do you
intend to make this conversion?”
President
Obama
- - -
|
| Chuck Hagel |
“Well,
it’s a process, Mr. President. We’ll outfit them all in Birkenstocks or Doc
Martins. No makeup will be allowed. Bras will be burned, because everyone knows
dykes like them floppy. They will all have to start wearing flannel shirts with
jeans or cords. They won’t be able to shave their armpits, legs or bikini areas any more.”
Secretary
Hagel
- - -
|
| Barack Obama |
“Well
that should do the trick.”
President
Obama
- - -
|
| Chuck Hagel |
“They
are all going to have to start driving Subarus or Jeep Wranglers, and listen to
Melissa Etheridge and the Indigo Girls. They will all be required to have one
or more cats and eat vegetarian diets. They will all have to develop penis
envy, so that they will be interested in wearing strap ons. Oh, and they will
all have a fierce hatred of men.”
Secretary
Hagel
- - -
|
| Barack Obama |
“Chuck,
exactly what would this accomplish if it was possible?”
President
Obama
- - -
|
| Chuck Hagel |
“Well,
if the women were all dykes, they could beat the shit out of any man that attempted
to assault them. Haven’t you seen the guns on those Indigo Girls? That’s some scary shit!
Most dykes are stronger than men, and they hate them, so that will give them
extra power and motivation to beat the crap out of anyone who gets out of
line.”
Secretary
Hagel
- - -
|
| Barack Obama |
“Jesus
Christ, Chuck! Your ideas get stupider and stupider as we go forth with
this. You can't turn someone into a lesbian you dickhead! You are constantly approaching
this as a problem that the women have to solve. Why? The women aren’t doing
anything to provoke their fellow service members into raping them! The women have a
right to expect it isn’t going to happen! You need to think about approaching
this from the side of ‘What can we do to make men want to stop forcibly
sticking their penises into women.' That’s the issue here, Chuck.”
President
Obama
- - -
|
| Chuck Hagel |
“WAIT!
I’ve just had another brainstorm! What if we fill the women up with sand? You
know, drag them forward by their legs instead of backward by their hair? You know, fill 'them' up with sand! Who would want to stick
their penis into a sandy vagina? That would hurt like a sonuvabitch!"
Secretary
Hagel
- - -
|
| Barack Obama |
“Get
the fuck out of here.”
President
Obama
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