 |
| Chuck Hagel |
“Mr.
President! Mr. President! I FINALLY HAVE
IT!”
Secretary
of State Charles 'Chuck' Hagel
- - -
 |
| Barack Obama |
“Secretary
Hagel, you have what? The answer to last week’s Sunday Times Crossword puzzle?”
President
Barack Obama
- - -
|
| Chuck Hagel |
“Oh
fuck no. Me? What I have is the answer to the problem of sexual assaults in the
military. I’ve got a plan, Mr. President.”
Secretary
Hagel
- - -
|
| Barack Obama |
“Chuck,
so help me, if this is another one of your halfwit schemes, I am going to slap
the shit out of you.”
President
Obama
- - -
|
| Chuck Hagel |
“Not
this time, Mr. President! This is a sure-fire winner, and I absolutely
guarantee you, the problem will be lowered by 15 percent. Almost immediately.”
Secretary
Hagel
- - -
|
| Barack Obama |
“FIFTEEN percent? My GOD Chuck! This is just what I was looking to hear in the first place. Tell me, my good man, how in the world will you manage such a dramatic
cut in just one year?”
President
Obama
- - -
|
| Chuck Hagel |
“Well
Mr. President, that is the excellent beauty in this goddam plan. We actually aren’t going to have to do anything other than what
we are already planning. As you are aware, budget cuts are going to result in
us reducing the size of our military. But, this downsizing is going to have a
very positive effect on the problem of soldiers and officers sexually
assaulting other soldiers and officers!”
Secretary
Hagel
- - -
|
| Barack Obama |
“Do
tell! Do tell!”
President
Obama
- - -
|
| Chuck Hagel |
“Don’t
you see sir? By reducing the size of the military by 20 percent, there will be
a spillover effect of ALSO reducing
the number of sexual assaults by 20 percent! We will make a SIGNIFICANT dent in the problem without
actually doing one goddam thing! Aren’t you proud of me?”
Secretary
Hagel
- - -
|
| Barack Obama |
“Uhmmmm
…. yes, proud would be a word. But Chuck … how do you know that we won’t be
actually releasing all victims and keeping all of the perpetrators enlisted? If
that happens, you could actually see an INCREASE
in the rate of assaults because the number of assaults will remain constant
while the size of the military will shrink. Didn’t you have a Statistics 101
class in college?”
President
Obama
- - -
|
| Chuck Hagel |
“Statistics,
sir?”
Secretary
Hagel
- - -
|
| Barack Obama |
“I
see. Back to the drawing board, Chuck. Don’t worry. The clock’s still ticking.
You’ve got 10 months left before I fire your ass in an extremely humiliating
way unless you solve this fucking problem.”
President
Obama
- - -
|
| Chuck Hagel |
“. . .”
Secretary
Hagel
- - -
|
| Chuck Hagel |
“. . .”
Secretary
Hagel
- - -
|
| Chuck Hagel |
“. . .”
Secretary
Hagel
- - -
|
| Chuck Hagel |
“Do I
need to solve it completely, sir?”
Secretary
Hagel
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