Overheard in the White House

Barack Obama

“Premier Putin? Barack Obama here. Yes, the Barack Obama who is president of the United States. You never stop busting my balls, do you? Is that a Russian thing?”

Vladimir Putin

President Barack Obama

- - -

“What can I do for you, my African warrior president friend?”

Russian Premier Vladimir Putin

Barack Obama

- - -

“I just wanted to let you know, that as a result of your country’s decision to give asylum to leaker Edward Snowden, I am going to cancel our planned September Summit. I will still attend the G-20 meeting, of course, but I won’t be meeting with you privately. In fact, I may not even shake your hand while I am there. Look, you have strained our personal relationship, Premier Putin.”

President Obama

- - -

Vladimir Putin

“You Americans are so very touchy about such things. So, big deal. I changed my mind and gave this poor Mr. Spyboy Snowden a safe place to sleep. What is the big deal here, President Obama? Are you upset because you will not have the opportunity to hang him by his nipples and pull out toenails until he confesses? Are you frustrated that you cannot bury him in a fire ant mound? Would you have preferred to lock him away in a cold damp room and feed him only insects until he decided to talk?”

Barack Obama

Premier Putin

- - -

“Uhmmm … this is the United States.
We do not do those things, Premier Putin.”

President Obama

- - -

Vladimir Putin

 “Then I think you are missing a very good time. Walk on the wild side, my African warrior friend. Walk on the Wild Side. It is not just a song by Lou Reed; it’s a way of life. What's that chorus? 

"Oh yes: ‘And the colored girls go, do-do-da-do-do-do do-do-da-do-do-do do-do-da-do-do-do.”

Premier Putin

Barack Obama

- - -

“I will leave that to you, Premier Putin. I don’t really like the wild side. It messes up my hair and wrinkles my suit.”

President Obama

Vladimir Putin

- - -

 

 

“Suit yourself, President Obama. As will I.”

Premier Putin

Overheard in Washington:

Barack Obama

"President Putin? I just wanted to point out that your unwillingness to send traitor Edward Snowden back to the United States is a pretty major  thumb into the eye of the United States, and is not the way one ally treats another."

President Barack Obama (D-Illinois)

Vladimir Putin

 - - -

"Last week, you bitch at me over Syria. This week, you bitch at me over Snowden. I think you are a little bitch, President Obama. Let me say it again so that it is not lost through an interpreter. You are a little bitch, Barack Obama."

Russian President Vladimir Putin

Barack Obama

- - -

 "Well, well, well. You are finally showing your communist rat

bastard self. Impressive! Are you looking to start a war? To start a new Cold War?"

President Obama

Vladimir Putin

- - -

"No, I do not want war. I just want to make you look like an asswipe in front of all of your citizens. I don't like you much, Barack Obama. You stick your nose into the business of too many other people. You can take your moral high ground and follow it until you fund my ass. When you find my ass, you may kiss it."

President Putin

Barack Obama

- - -

"I don't even know how to respond to that."

President Obama

John McCain

- - -

"I know how to respond to it, Mr. President! Let me go over there and I'll use Plan 38 on him."

Sen. John McCain

Barack Obama

 

- - -

"What, pray tell, is Plan 38?"

President Obama

 

John McCain

- - -

"It is where I sneak into Russia armed only with a box of Lucky Charms, three paper clips and four tampons, remove his lungs and hide the body so that I can then be safely extracted by a helicopter with a cloaking device."

Sen. John McCain

Barack Obama

 

- - -

"John, we don't have a helicopter with a cloaking device."

 President Obama

John McCain

- - -

"Sure we do. I've ridden in it. There's a lot you don't know yet."

Sen. John McCain

 

Barack Obama

 

- - -

"There will be no Plan 38. I will continue to appeal to President Putin's sense of fairness."

 President Obama

Vladimir Putin

- - -

"President Obama? My sense of fairness says it would be very fair for you at this moment to go fuck yourself."

President Putin

Overheard in Ireland:

Vladmir Putin

“You have no proof that Syria has used these chemical weapons against its people. Why would they do such a thing?”

Russian President Vladimir Putin

- - -

Barack Obama

 

“We gave you the proof. The photos of people with their skin melting off! The screams of hundreds of people screaming for mercy! Those aren’t proof?”

Vladmir Putin

 President Barack Obama

- - -

“This is not proof. This could be staged Hollywood movie.”

 Vladimir Putin

Barack Obama

- - -

“We gave you photographs of the cans the chemicals came in—‘Acme Brand Chemical Weapon’—which were opened and then tossed away on the side. We gave you photos of Bashar al-Assad opening all of the cans with his personal can opener. If that isn’t proof, I don’t know what is. Are you kidding me?”

 Barack Obama

Vladmir Putin

- - -

“We are Russians. We do not kid! We do not even smile! We eat cabbage and beet soup every day. If you did that, you wouldn’t smile, either.”

Vladimir Putin

Barack Obama

- - -

“All righty, well, tell me what WOULD be proof that the Syrians are using chemical weapons? Tell me that and we will go looking for it. Would you like to see the photos we have of al-Assad fucking your soon-to-be ex-wife?”

  Barack Obama

Vladmir Putin

- - -

“Why do you think I divorce the bitch? No, no fuck photos. You, Mr. Obama, must go into Syria and come back out dragging the body of even one victim of chemical weaponry and we will believe you.”

Vladimir Putin

John McCain

- - -

"Now Mr. President, I can’t let you do that. You will need to step aside. I will go in your place. John ‘Blood and Guts’ McCain, reporting for duty, SIR! You drop me behind enemy lines with three Emory boards, a pair of nail clippers and a case of baby formula, and I will have one of the perpetrators out of there and in the White House within 24 hours."

Sen. John McCain (R-Arizona) 

- - -

Barack Obama

"The future of the free world is in your hands, Sen. McCain."
Barack Obama

John McCain

- - -

" I won't let you down, my friend. Who would have thought it would come to this? I certainly didn't see this when we were fighting side-by-side through the ghettos of Honolulu. If I don't make it back, name something after me or put my face on some money."

John McCain