 |
| Vladimir Putin |
"You.
Johnny Horseface. Mr. Swiftyboat. Mr.
Married-to-Ketchup-Lady-who-is-Bat-Shit-Fuck-Crazy. You need to stop saying bad
things about Russia before people start finding pieces of you in their jars of
sweet relish. Everyone has a role to play in situations like this one, and your
role is to shut up and nod.”
Russian President Vladimir Putin
- - -
 |
| John Kerry |
“President
Putin, listen to reason. You are making us look very inept. I would
consider it a personal favor if you could just hand the skinny little bastard
over to us. I can send you a few cases of ketchup… maybe some pickles and
mustard too.. if that would sweeten the deal any.”
U.S. Secretary
of State John Kerry
- - -
|
| Vladimir Putin |
“I
care about personal favors? No, Johnny Horseface. Ketchup won’t do it. You are
making many assumptions here. How do you even know this Snowden character is on
plane that landed here? You don’t know; you assume. Typical American assumer.
Here in Russia, assumptions are hazardous to your health… your face… your
hands… whichever part we choose.”
President Putin
|
| John Kerry |
- - -
“Is
Mr. Snowden on the plane, Premier Putin?”
Secretary Kerry
- - -
|
| Vladimir Putin |
“Yes,
Mr. Snowden is here, but there will be no extradition, Johnny Horseface. Russia
understands Mr. Snowden is afraid the United States will lock him up and throw
away the key and I suspect it is true. Yes, he is here in Russia. Where else
would someone go if they are wanted by America? Who else has power, size and
might enough to stand up to the United States and its African warrior president?
Only Russia can do, so we do.”
President Putin
|
| John Kerry |
- - -
“So
are you now a champion for liberty and freedom? Or are you just fucking with
the United States?”
Secretary Kerry
- - -
|
| Vladimir Putin |
"Oh,
yes. I champion liberty and freedom for everyone here in Russia. We believe in
free speech, provided everyone has tongue cut out and all of their fingers
broken so they cannot type. I do most of the tongue cutting myself. I find it
relaxes me. Freedom and liberty… HA! No, Russia do this just to fuck with U.S.”
President Putin
|
| John Kerry |
- - -
“For
fun? Just because you can?”
Secretary Kerry
- - -
|
| Vladimir Putin |
“I
am Russian premier. I care nothing for fun. Ever. There is no fun in Russia.
Anyone who has any, we send to Siberia. Would you like to visit some of those
people so you can have fun with them, Johnny Horseface?”
President Putin
|
| John Kerry |
- - -
“I
will get back to you on that.”
Secretary Kerry
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