 |
| Barack Obama |
“President
Putin? Barack Obama here! How goes it?”
 |
| Vladimir Putin |
- - -
“How goes what, President Obama, my African Warrior friend? Our long, slow, exquisitely painful interrogation of Edward Snowden?”
Russian President Vladimir Putin
- - -
 |
| Barack Obama |
“I
don’t care about Snowden right now. In fact, you can pull out one of his toe
nails just for me and I will endorse that. I just meant how things are in
general. It’s an expression, a greeting, that we use in America to feign
interest in the lives of other people.”
President
Obama
- - -
|
| Vladimir Putin |
"Things in Russia always suck, President Obama, which is why we consume so much vodka and have such high levels of depression."
President Putin
 |
| Barack Obama |
- - -
“Look,
President Putin… I need your help with something. We need to stop Syria from
spraying chemical weapons on its citizens. It is just not something the
international community should be willing to tolerate. The proof is
irrefutable. It was the government.”
President
Obama
- - -
|
| Vladimir Putin |
“Well, I agree, there are some things
the international community should not be willing to tolerate but I must note
that America said Saddam Hussein had weapons of mass destruction. HA HA HA HA HA. I laugh at you with frivolity. In
this case, just as with the late Saddam, I believe you are mistaken, President
Obama. My good friend Bashaar al-Assad would NEVER do such a thing. He is a
righteous dude, just like your Ferris Bueller. He would certainly never
commit an act that is ‘morally bankrupt,’ as your Secretary of State Johnny
‘Horseface’ Kerry said.
President Putin
 |
| John Kerry |
- - -
“He
most certainly would, you Russian bastard!”
Secretary
Kerry
- - -
|
| Barack Obama |
“Shut the fuck up, Johnny Horseface. We
are trying to have a dialogue here.”
President Obama
|
| Vladimir Putin |
- - -
“No.
No dialogue, President Obama. Just a warning: Leave Syria alone or you will be
held accountable. I am hanging up now. Buh-bye, as you Americans say.”
President
Putin
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