 |
| John Kerry |
“You
know, Sen. Paul, I thought you were a pathetic little punk when you were
elected to the Senate and the more I deal with you know, I am convinced my
first impression was absolutely dead on. If you are too fucking stupid to see
why an isolationist policy only will create bigger problems down the line, you
are just too stupid to hold office. Read a history book—any history book—and
see what happens when the United States goes all isolationist.”
Secretary
of State John Kerry
 |
| Rand Paul |
- - -
“You
will have to prove it to me, horsey face.”
Sen. Randall Howard “Rand” Paul (R-Kentucky), the TEA Party-affiliated Libertarian considering a presidential run in 2016. Paul had never
held office before winning election to the Senate 2010. Prior to being elected,
Paul was an ophthalmologist.
 |
| John Kerry |
- - -
“You have me so pissed off I am trying to gouge out my own eye. Look, shithead: In
the history of the world, three tyrants have used chemical weapons. Adolf
Hitler, Saddam Hussein, and now Bashar al-Assad. Does that suggest a trend to
you as to what happens when such tyrants are allowed to run amok?”
Secretary
Kerry
- - -
“You’ll
have to prove it to me.”
Sen.
Paul
- - -
 |
| Babe |
“Excuse
me, Secretary Kerry, sir? Actually, there were maybe seven. Benito Mussolini
used them in 1934 against Ethiopia, Japan used them in 1937 against China, and
during the Yemen Civil War (1963-1967), Abdul Nasser, the Egyptian president,
used them on royalist forces. And a declassified CIA study suggests the Soviet
Union likely used them in Southeast Asia and Afghanistan in the 1970s. Don't you read the Washington Post?”
Babe, famous talking pig and manager of Sen. Mitch McConnell's re-election campaign.
 |
| John Kerry |
- - -
“This hearing has everything! Talking pigs AND talking rectums with shitty haircuts! Thank
you for the history lesson, Babe. Stick around later. I’m having a BLT for
lunch.”
Sen.
Kerry
|
| Babe |
- - -
No thank you, sir. It could be my mother.”
Babe
- - -
“Look, Secretary Kerry. Whatever you say, you
will have to prove to me. Give me proof. PROOF!”
Sen.
Paul
- - -
 |
| John Kerry |
“Do you see my angry face? I look like someone else, don't I? Yet, my toupee remains perfectly in place, despite my head being tilted forward. Listen up, Sen. Paul. There is nothing to
prove here. These things happened. It's all documented. How many people in
this room have actually served in the military? You, Sen. Paul? No? I didn’t
think so. Were you in the PEACE Corps at least? No? Did you ever serve your country in any
capacity before being elected to the Senate? No? Oh that’s right. You were an
ophthalmologist or some damned thing before running for office. I did serve my
country. I volunteered. I didn’t wait to be drafted. I served in Vietnam and
fought like a motherfucker. I spent days wondering if I would return home. It
was a horrible experience, but I don’t regret doing it. My country needed me
and I went. I don’t recommend military action lightly. I’d be happy to ignore
what’s happening and not put anyone at risk. But that’s not the right decision,
you fucking dickhead.”
Secretary Kerry
|
| Rand Paul |
- - -
“You
will have to prove it to me.”
Sen.
Paul
- - -
|
| John Kerry |
‘That’s
it. Say ‘You will have to prove it to me’ one more time and I will literally
shove my fist so far up your intestines, you will believe you are
getting a shoulder massage! You know, Sen. Paul, I have a bat shit fuck crazy
wife. I spend half of my time trying to figure out ways to use all of the
fucking ketchup she brings home in her one-woman crusade to keep the company
stock high. I don’t need
to come to work and deal with people such as yourself who don’t have a good
understanding of how the world works. I don’t need to sit here and listen to
some prickly petulant pontificating pigfucker whose goal in life is to deny that the world is one
big neighborhood and the United States is in the position we have always been
in—we stop the bad shit from happening. If you don’t know that about the United
States, you need to just go home and take a nap, or bake cookies, whichever you
prefer.”
Sen.
Kerry
|
| Rand Paul |
- - -
“You
will have to prove it to somebody.”
Sen.
Paul
Fun Rand Paul Fact: Randall Paul shares something big with Bashar al-Assad! Before he became a ruthless world dictator who enjoyed melting babies, al-Assad was studying.... ophthalmology, just like Sen. Paul!
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