Overheard in Texas:

Rick Perry

"I can't BELIEVE the Boy Scouts will now admit those gay boys. That's a sin right there. Little gay boys should damn well be excluded from a MANLY thing like the BOY SCOUTS. When it comes to homosexuals, discrimination applies. And I'm a goddam Eagle Scout, so I should know. Why, those gay boys will be turning all the other boys gay and pretty soon the uniforms will be all festive with paisley sashes. They'll start giving out merit badges in sodomy! What is this world coming to?"

Texas Gov. Rick Perry (R), an unsuccessful candidate for the GOP presidential nomination in 2012 and rumored contender for 2016. Perry is America's favorite homophobe, perhaps because he has already EARNED his merit badge... or would really like to do so.

Jesus Christ

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"Don't you back down, Rick. I totally get it. For the last hundred years, the only minority population the Scouts have allowed has been pedophiles, so I understand your reluctance. I mean, pedophiles are ONE thing, but dammit, we have to draw the line at the homosexuals!"

Jesus Christ, son of God

Overheard in Pennsylvania and Texas:

Rick Santorun demonstrating his love for dairy

"I'm glad the national organization has delayed its vote because I don't like this 'gays in the Boy Scouts' thing either—I think it is all the product of the intolerant liberal mind. The delay will allow more time for me and the other bully members of the National He-Man Homo Haters Club to keep beating our ... drums. America needs to face the reality that every time someone has gay sex, another angel dies and global warming gets worse. It's true, goddammit, it's true. "

Rick Santorum, former Pennsylvania senator, failed presidential candidate, and advocate of limited rights for all minorities, especially gays.

  - - -

Gov. Rick Perry demonstrating he, too, loves a good corndog.

 "Oh Rick! I didn't know we had a club! Does this mean we get to have parties? With favors and stuff? Uhmmmm... check that... (voice lowers two octaves) with MANLY favors and stuff? (Oh, and I think it is really cute that we have the same first name and think alike. And you know what Rick rhymes with, right?)"

Gov. Rick Perry (R-Texas), a fellow charter member of the He-Man Homo Haters Club. 

Overheard in Texas:

Gov. Rick Perry (R-Texas)

"Hi. You probably don't remember me—and why the fuck would you? The name's Rick Perry. I'm governor of Texas and a really, really failed Republican nominee for president in 2012. I tell you what, I'm here to say the Boy Scouts of America should not be allowing no faggots to be Scouts or group leaders! I'm an EAGLE Scout, godammit, and I know whereof I speaks. The Scouts is a paramilitary group that encourages boys to spend copious amounts of time together with no women present, to spend weekends sleeping together at overnight camp-outs, and to engage in masculine behavior, like group sing-a-longs and marshmallow toasting around a lovely campfire. The Scouts' founder was a supporter of fascism and was likely a repressed homosexual who didn't spend an awful lot of time with a woman until he was in his 50s and finally got around to marrying a woman 30 years his junior. But that don't matter none. He was a REAL man. The Scouts just oughta to keep those gay boys out of its ranks, and them gay and lesbians out of its leadership. Why, having gay boys and gay leaders in the Boy Scouts would just be.... unAmerican.

"Besides, our ranks are so swelled with pedophiles, we don't really have room for any homos. Over the years, we've covered up more child rapists than the Catholic Church, but without the fancy hats and wine! Remember, exclusion and bigotry are only bad things when white heterosexual men complain about them."

Gov. Rick Perry (R-Texas), speaking last week on why the entire world should be as narrowminded, stupid, and hateful as he is.