Overheard at the Vatican:

Jesus Christ

“Oh, Franny. This is just pathetic. The Church has really topped itself this time!”
Jesus Christ, son of God

- - -

Pope Francis I

“What do you mean, Jesus? What are you talking about? And by the way: I used to find speaking with you uplifting. But ever since I took this fucking job, talking to you is like having an enema. With hot chocolate.”

Pope Francis I

- - -

Jesus Christ

“You are a strange man, Franny. I am talking about the charges against a priest in Scranton, Pennsylvania, who was caught in a car, in a parking lot, with his pants off, having just received oral sex from a 15-year-old boy and engaging in mutual masturbation. Scranton and Lackawanna County, Pennsylvania, are home to some of the most prolific sexual predators in the history of the world, though many of them have never been arrested. But Hell awaits...”
Jesus Christ

Pope Francis I

- - -

“Oh, yeah… I heard about that one. But Jesus, did you now the

bishop in the Scranton Diocese has put the word out: any other victims of this same priest should contact the district attorney’s office immediately!”

Pope Francis I

- - -

Jesus Christ

 


“Franny? Who am I? OH YEAH, I’m JESUS FUCKING CHRIST! Of course I knew about that bullshit!”
Jesus Christ

- - -

Pope Francis I

“Bullshit? What do you mean? That is the Church being

compassionate and concerned! Dammit, Jesus, are you never satisfied?”

Pope Francis I

- - -

Jesus Christ

“No, I am never satisfied when adults are sexually assaulting children, you asshole. Franny, the Rev. William Paulish was ordained in 1988 and was moved around the diocese 14 times for reasons the Church declines to say. AS IF I DIDN’T KNOW THE REASON WHY ALREADY. For my Father’s sake! Do you think me a moron? I see you when you are sleeping and know when you’re awake. I know when you’ve been bad or good, so be good for goodness sake! Paulish had three medical leaves and one unspecified ‘break’ from his priestly duties, leaves that have covered two months and five months of time. That’s some pretty heavy duty time off for a relatively young man… unless of course he was going through some of the church’s ‘reprogramming’ to make pedophile priests into gays or clock makers or some such stupid effort. Franny, I know the whole story. I watched it happen, you dick.”
Jesus Christ

- - -

Pope Francis I

“Oh no, Jesus. There was no funny business. Father Paulish just liked to move around. He apparently woke up on that very day and said, ‘I am going out for a ride and I hope to find a 15-year-old boy who will give me a blowjob.’ It was his first time and surprise, surprise! He was caught. And not only that, he knew where to pick up the boy! Holy shit! Father Paulish has never done anything like this before! Ask his sister! She will tell you! He was born into a religious family! This was a case of Satan infecting a good man of God. But if you saw it happening, why you not stop?”

Pope Francis I

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Jesus Christ

“Franny, don't start that bullshit. I didn’t stop it because that’s not the way this works and you know it, for fuck’s sake. Do you know how lame your explanation sounds? Stop it. We both know what happened here. And once again, instead of actually doing something right, you stand there denying it. You do realize that popes are supposed to tell the truth, right?”
Jesus Christ

- - -

Pope Francis I

“What? The truth? We're the church! We can’t handle the truth!”

Pope Francis I