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| Rachel Maddow |
"We’re here
tonight with Sen. Ted Cruz, the flea-ridden misanthrope who led a TEA Party revolt that took America to the brink of financial default. Sen. Cruz, thank
you for coming."
Rachel Maddow, MSNBC host
 |
| Ted Cruz |
- - -
"Rachel, what
can I say? I get off on talking to carpet-munchers."
Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Texas)
- - -
|
| Rachel Maddow |
"Nice. But we
don’t have enough time to talk about your failure to remotely resemble a human
being. We’re here tonight to talk about your massive failure as a legislator."
Rachel Maddow
- - -
 |
| Ted Cruz |
"Failure? As a
legislator? How do you see that, Rachel honey?"
Sen. Cruz
- - -
|
| Rachel Maddow |
“Well, let’s see,
sweetie. Your little group of punk ass bitches demanded that until Congress agreed to do a list of things; your little group would not allow the government
to be funded. And what did you demand? Let’s just make sure all of America
knows ALL of the things you folks wanted."
Rachel Maddow
- - -
|
| Ted Cruz |
“No, no, you don’t
have to do that, Rachel.”
Sen. Cruz
- - -
|
| Rachel Maddow |
“Oh, but I insist
because not everyone may be aware of everything you wanted. Let’s see… there
was the demand to defund/delay Obamacare… delay the individual mandate of the
Affordable Care Act… deny healthcare coverage to THE PRESIDENT—THE
PRESIDENT… deny health coverage to the cabinet members and congressional staff,
though not the members of Congress themselves, deny any birth control coverage
under any health plan employees might choose, and repeal the tax imposed
on medical devices that is part of Obamacare, though the GOP’s own budget plan
for 2013-2014 calls for that same revenue to be used on things other than what
it is intended for—Obamacare ...
|
| Rachel Maddow |
"... but here’s
where you little miscreants got really creative. You told everyone this was ALL
ABOUT OBAMACARE, didn’t you? But it wasn’t, was it?"
Rachel Maddow
|
| Ted Cruz |
- - -
“Of course it was
about Obamacare, and you mark my words, Dykie McDykester, that law will
be repealed—“
Sen. Cruz
- - -
|
| Rachel Maddow |
“—But as I was saying
before you farted, Sen. Cruz, you also wanted some other little goodies didn’t
you? You were also demanding approval of the Keystone Pipeline, means testing
for Medicare enrollees, expansion of oil drilling rights, the blocking of the Internet
Neutrality legislation, tort reform, weakened regulations for coal-fired power
plans, a complete removal of coal-ash regulations to be imposed by the
Environmental Protection Agency, and changes in the way the debt-ceiling is managed
in the future. Funny… you never mentioned any of those things during any of
your interviews. Why is that?”
Rachel Maddow
|
| Ted Cruz |
- - -
“Uhm... well… the
truth of the matter is you’re making this all up, Rachel. We never demanded any
of that stuff.”
Sen. Cruz
- - -
|
| Rachel Maddow |
“I thought you would
say that. We will now take you to a prerecorded interview with Jesus Christ. We
were able to pre-record this section because, well, Jesus is the Son of God. He
knew what Ted Cruz would say before Cruz even thought it because, well, he is
Jesus, the Son of God.”
Rachel Maddow
- - -
 |
| Jesus Christ |
“Ted Cruz is a lying
piece of shit unworthy of a golden shower from Judas himself. All of those
things Rachel listed were part of his extortion demands. Ted, you do realize
what happens to liars, right? They go to hell. Really. They go to hell. You’ll
be really popular there. Legions of demons already signing up to torment you. Now
Teddy is going to try and tell you that I'm not really Jesus. And verily,
verily I say unto you, do a Google image search. Billions of photos and
paintings will come up. I am Jesus. I know shit. And Rachel? Lesbians RULE!”
Jesus Christ, son of God
- - -
 |
| Rachel Maddow |
"No, YOU rule,
Jesus."
Rachel Maddow
 |
| Ted Cruz |
- - -
“(Gulp)”
Sen. Cruz
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