Overheard at Notre Dame:

Pope Francis I

“What is this? Catholic girls attending Notre Dame have intervened into the school’s lawsuit against the Affordable Care Act’s birth control mandate? I don’t understand this. Catholic girls don’t fuck before marriage, so why would they need these pills? Don’t these college girl whores realize they are costing the church money we could be using to feed the poor children?”

Pope Francis I

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Jesus Christ

“Oh Franny. Many people have sex before marriage, even Catholic girls. Even Catholic BOYS do! Hell, how many of your priests have raped children—they do that before marriage, you know. In FACT, I don’t think the priests even PLAN to marry those children, so that would make it even MORE OF A SIN, don’t you think? Sometimes the level of your jackassery just amazes me.”

Jesus Christ, son of God

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Pope Francis I

 “Women having sex  before marriage is a sin, Jesus! Nobody should be having sex before marriage!”

Pope Francis I

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Jesus Christ

"You've also been telling people not to masturbate for centuries, but why the fuck do you think Father put their genitals where their hands could reach them? For GROOMING? No. Father gave humans their wonderful bodies so they could use them. He never made the rules you keep trying to enforce. Get over it. Why don’t you instead teach people sex is beautiful and wonderful and meant to be an expression of true love … in addition to being one damn good time? Not that I know that first hand, of course (Nod, nod, wink, wink. Know what I mean? Know what I mean?)”

Jesus Christ

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Pope Francis I

   

“Listen, Jesus. This is the Catholic Church. We don’t want girls at our Catholic colleges carrying on like harlots.”

Pope Francis I

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Jesus Christ

“Watch what you say about harlots, Franny. I happen to LOVE harlots. It is the pedophile priests who are the problem, Franny. Fix that and leave the college girls alone.”

Jesus Christ