Overheard in Heaven:

Jesus Christ

“So, you have somehow sidestepped all of the rules and you are now headed for sainthood quicker than any other pope or church mascot who ever ascended to sainthood. Congratulations, John Paul."

Jesus Christ

- - -

Pope John Paul II

“Thank you, Jesus. You know, I originally wanted to be called Pope John Paul George and Ringo, but the fucking cardinals said no. They spent days arguing that perhaps I could be called Pope Paul George and Ringo, because John was already dead by then, but someone decided that was a clusterfuck and unfair to John. Such bullshit. I was the Pope. If I wanted to be called Pope Maryanna Puckerpuss, I should have been allowed.”

Pope John Paul

Jesus Christ

- - -

“Will you shut up about the Beatles already! And who in the name of Judas Iscariot is Maryanna Puckerpuss? Prone to tangents are we? And will you sit up straight for my sake?”

Jesus Christ

Pope John Paul II

- - -

“I am sitting up straight, asshole. You're the one who is askew. I’m nearly a thousand years old, Jesus. I was dead when I died, so what do you expect?"

Pope John Paul

- - -

Jesus Christ

 

“When you are up here in heaven? I don’t expect anything. But keep in mind, I only kept you out of hell on a technicality. When you were down there on earth, I kept hoping you would take some action on the child sexual assaults that were going on under your very nose, but I was SOL on that count. Your successor did even less than you did, which is pretty amazing since I didn’t think human action could be registered as a negative number.”

Jesus Christ

Pope John Paul II

- - -

“I never understood negative numbers, either, Jesus. 
I think some Protestant who is now rotting in hell came up with that one.

Pope John Paul

- - -

Jesus Christ

“No, it was actually a Catholic. Everyone was Catholic back in those days, JP. I think what I’m trying to say is you were a good man, a kind person, a scholar, a real role model, JP, but you just should have done more to protect the kids. So, if I was asked to vote on your saint status, I would vote no. Now, no one is asking me, and no one will, but I am just letting you know where I stand. I’d let you stay in heaven, of course, but no sainthood.”

Jesus Christ

Pope John Paul II

- - -

“Can’t I do just do some hail Marys and get right with you again? That’s what I always told people.”

Pope John Paul

Jesus Christ

- - -

“No, because it really doesn’t work that way, JP. And Mother just cringes every time she hears those Hail Marys. She doesn’t like the attention. (She wasn’t technically a virgin, you see. She thinks they actually meant to impregnate her sister, M-a-r-t-y, but somehow made a mistake and were one letter off. You know what they say, 'Whooopsie!')”

Jesus Christ