Overheard in Syria:

Bashar al-Assad

“OK, OK. We will give all of our chemical weapons away. Maybe. Shit. I really liked those things. I enjoy watching the people twitch and die, especially on HDTV. It is all so very funny.”

Syrian President Bashar al-Assad

- - -

Vladimir Putin

“I know, I know. Me, too. But now is not the time to get into a pissing match with United States. If they start firing missiles at you, Syria will not be left standing for long. And they have made it clear: they are going to take you out, President Assad. We can’t have that. You need to fall on your sword. This time, you take one for the guppies. Maybe. It depends on how this works out! If U.S. pushes for binding U.N. Security Council Resolution, maybe we tell them to fuck off. That might make us look weak and powerless. We will see. We have committed to nothing as of now and can always change minds.”

Russian President Vladimir Putin

Bashar al-Assad

- - -

“Will I ever get to have chemical weapons again? They are lovely way to spend afternoon in summer.”

President Assad

- - -

Vladimir Putin

“Maybe, after all of this cools down and goes away, we can send you some more to have fun with. But for now, you need to just back off and be a good boy. I am not kidding. I am Russian. We never kid. Ever. Even our kids never kid. They are too busy being miserable from a very young age.”

President Putin

- - -

Bashar al-Assad

“Just like in my country!”

President Assad

- - -

Vladimir Putin

“Maybe you are Russia Jr.?”

President Putin

- - -

Bashar al-Assad

“HO HO HO HO”

President Assad