Overheard at Rick's House:

Rick Santorum

More Things Conservative

Christians Believe:

By Rick Santorum

• Chick-Fil-A was founded by Jesus Christ.
• So was Amway.
• The Burger King character was gay.
• So are Tinky Winky and Sponge Bob.
• Dancing leads to fornication.
• Playing cards leads to fornication.
• Going to movies leads to fornication.
• Consuming alcohol leads to fornication.
• Everything leads to fornication, especially when the power goes out.
• Women should not enjoy fornication, whether the lights are on or off.
• Men should enjoy fornication, but should not be overt in said enjoyment.
• You cannot count the number of angels that can fit on the head of a pin. Not even with a magnifying glass.
• Only God can count angels, but he never has time to do so. He is busy plotting Chick-Fil-A’s takeover of the fastfood marketplace.
• Jesus is the only acceptable form of contraception.
• Jesus was crucified by dinosaurs, probably the T-Rex, with its tiny little hands.
• The dinosaurs who crucified Jesus are in hell. Forever.
• Or at least until they eat everyone there.
• Dinosaurs weren’t actually real or Jesus would have posed with one for a picture.
• Tattoos are a gateway to Satan worshipping.
• Satan worshipping is a gateway to tattoos.
• Gateways are for tattooed Satan worshippers
• People should get married really really young so that their young hormones will not lead them into premarital sex or self-abuse.
• Or tattoos. Or Satan worshipping. Or gateways.
• Girls who wear black patent leather shoes—usually Catholics—are “easy.”
• Scratch that one. All Catholic girls are easy. Just ask their priests.
• Velveeta is the greatest name in cheese.
• Just like Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny is actually Satan in disguise.
• Halloween is for pagan bastards who are all going to hell.

 

(Rick Santorum is a conservative bottom boy, closeted homosexual, and America’s favorite Roman Catholic. This is another in a continuing series of his take on what Conservative Christians in America really believe.)