Overheard in Washington, D.C.:

Mitch McConnell

"You'd think we'd be embarrassed sooner or later about just how much we don't get done here in Washington, but it just never happens. And isn't it funny how the shit that we do get done only ever hurts you and never hurts us? I think it's just an accident."

Mitch McConnell (R-Kentucky), whose personal fortune is estimated at $50 million. McConnell is known to smile only when draining the life force from young children and the elderly—preferably both at the same time

Overheard in Washington, D.C.:

President Obama

"Do you think I'd get any more cooperation from Republicans if maybe I offered to shine their shoes or mow their lawns? I'm ready to try just about anything."

 

President Barack Obama

Overheard in Washington, D.C.:

Paul Ryan

"Medicare? Fuck it. Old people need to stop getting sick. Social Security? Fuck it. Old people need to stop spending money. The poor? Fuck them as well—who really gives a shit about the poor any way? People without health insurance? Fuck them. They can go borrow a Band-Aid somewhere and get over it. I can't help it; I just hate people who need things. I think I'd like the poor better if they would just wear nicer clothes."

Paul Ryan (R-Wis.), chairman of the U.S. House GOP Budget Committee

Overheard in Washington, D.C.:

Paul Krugman

"No matter what is said, done or disproved, the GOP keeps saying the same shit over and over again. Stop believing it, people—the government DID NOT cause the goddam mortgage crisis. It was the private banking industry. Now leave me alone before I start making angry faces—I have more Nobel Prize winning economy-type stuff to do."

Paul Krugman, Nobel Prize-winning economist, author, 

commentator, professor