Overheard on Walter Cronkite's Cellphone:

Brian Kilmeade

“You can buy marijuana in Colorado using food stamps! It’s true! I read it in the bible!”

Brian Kilmeade, Fox host

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Walter Cronkite

“No, Mr. Kilmeade, you giant twatberry, you cannot. I’m dead and even I know that. What an easy thing to fact check and an asinine thing to say! Mr. Kilmeade, might I suggest that if you are going to continue your career in television, that you have your stupid mouth sewn shut and confine yourself to duties more in keeping with your abilities. Oh wait. You have no abilities suitable for journalism, you pathetic little talking head. Why not try a new career? From what Fox News keeps telling the unemployed in America, great corporations like WalMart are always on the lookout for outstanding talent. Shithead.”

Walter Cronkite, legendary television journalist

Overheard on Fox:

Brian Kilmeade

"I have a real problem with those Syrian rebels saying ‘Allahu Akbar.’ They are jihadists and want to hurt America!"

Brian Kilmeade, Fox news host.

John McCain

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“You sir, are a fucking idiot.”

Sen. John ‘Blood and Guts’ McCain

Brian Kilmeade

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“What do you mean by that?”

Brian Kilmeade

 - - -

John McCain

“Only YOU would ask, ‘What do you mean a by ‘I’m a fucking idiot’? I mean you are a fucking idiot. I cannot use language that is any plainer. What those MODERATE Muslims said in that video you showed was very much like a Christian would say, ‘Thank God.’ Do you have a problem with Christians saying, ‘Thank God’?”

Sen. Blood and Guts

Brian Kilmeade

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“ … ”

Brian Kilmeade

John McCain

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“C’mon, speak up, pundit boy. I don’t have all day. Or perhaps I need to get out my car battery and jumper cables and give you a little bit of inspiration? And quit mumbling, will you? Who the fuck do you think you are—Peggy Noonan?”

Sen. Blood and Guts

Brian Kilmeade

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“No, sir, I do not believe I am Peggy Noonan. She is WAAAY more sylish than me. And no jumper cables are required. I have no problems with Christians saying, ‘Thank God’.”

Brian Kilmeade

John McCain

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“Then why the fuck would you have problems with Muslims saying the same damn thing, you miserable fucktard? You need to do a little more research before you open your pie hole. All you are doing is stirring up shit, and that is an official crime.”

Sen. Blood and Guts

Brian Kilmeade

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“Stirring shit up is not a crime, Sen.  McCain.”

Brian Kilmeade

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John McCain

“Then you have never read ‘McCain’s Law,’ because believe me, it is a crime and the penalties are severe. Now say you’re sorry and shut the fuck up, otherwise I am going to show you how I perform a transurethral prostatectomy using only a knitting needle, a plunger, and a can of anchovies.”

Sen. Blood and Guts

Brian Kilmeade

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“I’m very sorry, SIR.”

Brian Kilmeade

John McCain

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“That’s better. Shithead.”

Sen. Blood and Guts

Overheard on Fox:

Brian Kilmeade

"Radical Islamists want to kill us! I'm not kidding! And it is someone's fault! I think it is the president's!"

Brian Kilmeade, Fox host

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"Why can't our president stop these terrorists before they reach American soil?" 
 
Rep. Tom Cotton (R-Arkansas)

Barack Obama

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"Uhmmmmm... are the two of you really that fucking stupid? Because as president, I can stop a lot of things, but there ain't been a president in history who could stop crazy. And, Rep. Cotton? Do you realize how much you look like Norman Bates? Bye, now."

President Barack Obama

Overheard on Fox:

Bob Beckel

"Get rid of Muslim students in this God fearing country of ours."

Bob Beckel, Fox commentator

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Greeg Kilmeade

"We need to plant microphones in the mosques and do MORE racial profiling of Muslims."

Brian Kilmeade, Fox host.

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Ann Coulter

"I just plain hate everyone who isn't white, blond, and transsexual like me, but especially if they are Muslim transsexuals."

Ann Coulter, America's favorite transsexual, author, and pundit, speaking on Fox.

Bill O'Reilly

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"Don't tell me the Boston bombers don't represent all Muslims! Shut up. This is my show! Don't step on my faulty premise!"

Bill O'Reilly, author, and host of  The O'Reilly Factor on Fox. O'Reilly earns $10 million a year for his TV duties and has an estimated net worth of $50 million.

Jesus Christ

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"Ya know what? Muslim does not equal terrorist, or crazy, or radical, or any one of a hundred things you could come up with. I know Mohammed. He's a righteous dude—a good friend of mine. We talk often. We are in the same business—trying to keep you humans from killing each other. Cut this shit out now or I'll be the one handing out crosses. Especially you, O'Reilly. You're actually intelligent. You have no damn excuse."

Jesus Christ, son of God